First Give them some Rice

Oh times of humble optimism. You are the gentle calm before the storm that wipes away my home and livelihood. Oh times of boundless positivity. You are the spring in the step of a wide eyed graduate carrying his briefcase to his first day at the firm. You, receiver of goodwill and deliverer of ill winds, are the glorious fortnight before round one where each club soaks in the rays of late March sun and dreams of unbridled success. What giddy times.

Delusions of competency abound, none more so than in the recesses of sustained failure. The CEO of the most unsuccessful on-field club in modern day football (what a train wreck) Brendan Gale, QC, has devised a cunning plan to take the Tiges to the top. 100,000 members (start reproducing Tiger fans, now!), money oozing from multiple orifices, on-field success of dynastic proportions and worst case scenario: the monotony of annual finals appearances. (Seriously most Richmond members would instantly drop dead of shock if the boys did make the finals) Apparently Benny G found out through his connections at the AFL that when the two extra teams come in the final 8 will become the final 16, leaving only 2 teams to miss the finals. Richmond supporters don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Still, premierships are serious talk, best kept for confidential places like board meetings, wet dreams and the office of your psychiatrist. Just ask Peter Schwab. Didn’t he dream out loud during the 2004 preseason that the Hawks were aiming for a flag? They didn’t get close and old Pete was reamed, steamed and dry cleaned out of a job mid season. He ended up on the match review panel, the second most despised AFL department, running close second to the umpiring department. That’s where Jeff Gieschen reigns supreme. The Geesh, rules honcho and sender of tersely worded ‘please explain’ letters and former coach of which champion key position player turned ruckman? Benny Gale. Scwabby, by the way, cut his teeth as an assistant down at Tigerland back in the day.

Mr Gale should probably be more realistic with his ambitions, as those with decent memories and vindictive personalities will be keen to take Benny down when the Tigers don’t win a flag for the next eternity. It’s in my notes, Gus! Grand business plans are fine, but savior Damien Hardman, I mean, Hardwick, probably didn't know he would have to deliver so much success in his new job. Especially with Troy Simmonds in the leadership group. That same group of media commentators and opinion drivers who will chuckle at Brendan Gale in years to come have no such problems making grand predictions of their own. All aboard the Barry Hall train. You may recall reading in these very pages last year a passionate but coldly rational defence of Mr Barrence Hall, his playing style, and his general ability as a player. That was when Hall was on the scrapheap, considering a boxing career and getting no love from the AFL community. Now he is flavour of the week, a hot tip for the Coleman (which he has never won) and widely expected to lead the dogs to premiership glory. Before round one has even begun!

The fortnight before round one is a time for optimism of a completely general and ambiguous form. Players coming off great pre seasons, youngsters with bulkier frames taking the next step, better game plans and structures and club facilites. Any mention of specific results and expectations should be censored by club officials. Which makes Richmond’s grandiose plans for world domination all the more unreasonable. The season hasn’t even begun, supporters haven’t even tasted a win yet, and club leaders are unleashing crazy plans of wild success. A man who hasn’t even received his bowl of rice for lunch yet is hardly going to be aroused by empty talk of steaks, wine, women and all night benders. Ask a Richmond supporter. Give them some rice.